improvisation/high as a kite/ it is strange...

it is strange that there is so much information in the world, and everyone is responding to so differently, or not all

it is strange that repetition breeds solidarity, knowledge, and a sense of ease

it is strange that the air smells of oranges and stale life

it is strange that you and me "know" each other.

it is strange how people you don't know that well can affect you so much.

it is strange that i still get confused about the word affect and effect.

it is strange that i think affect is when something is happening to something else, and that effect is a result.

it is strange that i nerd out on words and frozen yogurt

it is strange that the people i love most are usually really insecure about all the things i love about them.

it is strange that i am always being told what to do and how to do it

it is strange that the dance world requires sucking up to people you don't respect

it is strange that my teacher said that "honesty is not always best policy"

it is strange that the mind can create a myriad of opposition all the time.

it is strange that at the end of the day i always want something more.

it is strange that i'm insecure about writing this.

you can hear the whistle blow a hundred miles

The birds still sing at seven in California.
The birds still sing at seven in California.
The birds still sing at seven in California.

I don't know why, but I kept repeating this sentence in my mind while I was walking back to my room after a full day of classes and emotion. All I know is that hearing the birds chirp and seeing the sun getting ready to go down, was the only moment of clarity and peace I had yesterday.

So many things are breaking me right now...............................................................................................
but I am trying to stay me through all of it, so I don't go back to a place I refuse to be in.

I tried to go out last night and on thursday, but it's hard for me to be some "nice fun girl that's out to drink and be care-free and ready to dance and be social" when it's so dark inside, plus I can't fake it because I am rooted in honesty and making myself vulnerable to world even if it rejects me here and there.

The only thing I want is what is real. I am not here to wow anyone with charm or charisma or anything that isn't true. I am here to be only the real me moment to moment, day by day, month by month, year by year, yet I feel so much pressure to do otherwise, but I won't adjust to social etiquette or pretending. I am ready to be rejected by people and ideas who can't handle me because there is nothing more pure than being real all of the time. Real is all I will be.

"My dear, you are more stunning, more explosive, more luminous than a supernova."-quote from a lover to his lover (to remain unnamed)...If I could be loved this much by someone, my days could be a little bit easier, but I am alone. I am alone with you. I am alone with my friends, but its not that bad; it just feels a whole lot worse, but it's ok because I know this emptiness will once again be filled as soon as I feel all the beauty seep back in again.

Right now I am thankful for my 14 dollar ticket to La La La Human steps tonight, which I will be attending with several wonderful dancers who I respect highly. I am thankful for the comfort that Ana Caravelle's voice brings me. It will be ok, even though "there's this pain in your (my) chest that you can't get rid of."

feint friends?...and grapevining across the library

I'll begin with a list of things I've been doing and/or feeling recently:
CRAVING COOKIES
dancing.
dancing.
dancing.
choreographing.
choreographing.
sad.
smily.
laughing.
angry.
confused.
horny.
embarassed.
embarassed.
goofy.
goofy.
goofy.
weird.
tired.
dissappointed.
dissappointed.
dissappointed.

I think someday I'm going to make a dance about short strange and/or enjoyable moments in time, like the following, for example:

that moment when...you're about to taste something sour on your tongue
that moment when...you climb in bed and settle into a comfortable position and groan a little
that moment when....your hair first gets wet in the shower.
that moment right before you're about to orgasm
that moment when...a hug gets really comfortable
that moment when...you both agree you're both really awkard
that moment when...everything is ok.
that moment when...you put on laundry right out of the dryer.
that moment when...a liquid hits your parched throat.

List to be continued...

I am missing the people I have lost and never see, and I'm missing the people I've lost and see all the time.

Echo's right. Krishnamurti helps.

Snow Caps and Dinner Table Nightmares

I'm having a Phantom Toll Booth day. See below:

11 30 PM (last night)--11 30 AM (today)-deep sleep with sad nightmares and dreams
11 30 AM- 1 PM (appx.)--had a thoughtful and intense phone conversation with a good friend
1 00 PM --2 30 PM-Dink's Bagels
2 30 PM--5 30 PM-deep sleep nap with sad nightmares and dreams

I've been awake today for a max total of 3 hours and 40 minutes, and I have a slight headache and a chocolate craving. I bought a huge box of Nestle Snow Caps, aka nonpareils, and am making my way through them, just in case you needed an update. Since I've had them in my posession and in my mouth, I can't stop thinking about Eve's friend's grandmother. The grandmother of Eve's former house mate INVENTED nonpareil candies!!! No joke. I just think its really great to think about the moment when Marjorie's grandmother had her candy epiphany. I personally like to imagine that one day she was making cupcakes and chocolate chip cookies at the same time, and on the counter the chocolate chips and the sprinkles were sitting right next to each other, and the idea just dawned on her and she hopped and skipped with glee...

It's strange because I had a dream about Snow Caps in a different sense. I had a dream that I was alone in my parents house in Santa Fe, and suddenly a huge snow storm happened, and all the clouds were black and shimmery and moving really fast. I was walking around my house looking out all of the windows,watching the storm hit. The coolest part of the storm were these snow bombs that came down. I could see them in the distance falling to the tops of mountains. They were sort of tear shaped balls of snow that fell at high speeds and exploded on to the mountains, and one bomb completely covered the mountain in snow. It was really beautiful, but also really loud in the dream. When I woke up it reminded me of those scenes in Spaceballs when they vacuum all of the trees and snow off the mountains and then flush them all back out on to the hills. So yeah, there's that. Right there. I'm going to drink some water and hopefully stay awake for the remainder of the day. Yeeeeeeeeeeahh...

here i am again

...in the world of blogs. After a long break from my late highschool/first year of college melodrama live journal, and a disinterest in myspace blogs, I'm back in this electronic pseudo diary world....a lot happier, and maybe slightly less boring.

Top 5 reason for getting a blog:

1) i miss writing--going to art school for dance has wiped out my time and energy for creative writing, and most of the writing classes offered at school conflict my schedule.
2) i express myself much better in writing than speaking
3) i enjoy reading other people's blogs
4) i like when other people read my writing. actual diary's feel too personal sometimes. plus blogs help with my whole--"people should open up and make themselves vulnerable to the world." if people can't handle my emotions, thoughts, quirks, brutal honesty etc, (all in all)fuck 'em, ya know? hiding is worthless 99 percent of the time (at least for me)
5) my mind races all the time and need a place to vent that isn't directed at a single person. also, it calms my head to write.

I signed up for a class today called "the word as sound and image", and the teacher asked me if i thought i was "pretty technologically savvy", and I stuttered and made awkward noises, and he said "do you know what a blog is?". I said "yes" obviously, and he let me in his class. i found it slightly funny. not haha funny. some other kind of funny.

I was upset a few days ago, and thought this: "I can't be a dancer because I notice couples with matching umbrellas". Still don't really know why this occurred in my brain, and how dance and umbrellas correlate, but I do know the story of the umbrellas:

I was driving down a street in Santa Fe, when I noticed a pedestrian couple with matching umbrellas and i thought "gee, i really hope i'm not the type of girl that would get into a relationship that involved owning matching umbrellas" Then I wondered. "Did she buy one for herself and one for him because it was cute? Was it a christmas present from her grandparents? Were they on sale? Did they come in a two pack?" I guess I feel like most drivers probably wouldn't have thought about it twice, and I thought about it a lot for being something pretty trivial to my existence. I think to much to a dancer is probably why dance and umbrellas came together, but i'm still going to try to harness it and dance. So yeah. There's that.

On the whole umbrella gig, I was at a party over break and they had those little tiny parasols for cocktails, and i noticed that everybody calls them "umbrellas" which are for the rain and parasols are for the sun (direct translation actually). Who drinks cold, fruity cocktails on rainy days? God, people. Get it together. Just Joking. The problem with blogs is that my tone of voice doesn't come through. I can't figure out a good ending for this blog, but it's going to end anyway.